Lately I have been feeling rather down and out, like I don't matter to anyone. I have insecurities after an event last fall that keep popping up and I want it to stop, but I don't know what to do. It always pops up just before my period too and when I am bored and get to thinking. Normally I can distract myself to not think about all the things I feel inadaquate on but there are many times I can't and they take me down. I don't want to seek professional help because they won't be all that helpful or just put me on some watch list and not really help me at all. I have no confidence and I feel like I can't do anything. I mean I had planned I would have had a bachelor's degree and a stable job and a place all of my own by now, but thanks to getting a bad sperm cell 23 years ago, that dream is just that, just a dream. I can't work to get the money to go to school nor will Social Security ever get off their fucking ass to help me. I am not some junkie trying to mooch the system for a quick fix, I am a disabled person just trying to get by and maybe use the money to get an education so I won't have to be on it anymore. You would think that that would be the type of person you would want to give it to. And I can't get a scholarship, I am a white girl with middle class parents (even though they got themselves into a fiscal pit they are working out of) with a non-media friendly illness. Not like I have breast cancer, a kid out of wedlock or diabetes or a drug addiction I have no plan of getting help for. Oh god people would be bowing down at my feet to help me, phony or not. And thanks to 12 years of putting up with hell in school I feel horrible about myself and I cannot get people to see that. They just tell me to get over it, that it was back in school, I am out now. I want to tell those people, "Ummmmm I would if I could but I can't that's why I came to you jackass"
I want to just slit my wrists and be done with it. Like if God wants to play his torture me game then I can just as easily quit. I see no one that would really seem to give a fucking shit if I did anyway. I mean if I am only 23 and have to deal with 60 more years of this shit and a world that is rapidly heading to war and going to nuke itself, then I don't want to be a part of it anymore. I can't drive anywhere, independence is shot for me forever and I am so emotionally damaged that even the slightest hint someone I care about may not want to have anything to do with me, even if it is in my paranoid mind, I go off the deep end and it brings up all the things I hate about myself like when you try to push a beach ball down in a pool, it comes right back up.
I guess this is what happens when you put others ahead of you and it doesn't work out. I mean the reason I didn't tell anyone about how I feel is I didn't want them to feel so bad themselves. Last fall I had to do that a lot even though I was dying inside to my very core. I mean I still have scars on my leg from the only release I had then. I am not invincible, I am not indestructible I am only human and I see that now. I have had to put that facade on so long that it broke me down to a point that I am crying for help holding onto a teddy bear hoping that its fiberfill hug is something that can help me. I don't know what to do anymore. I have a feeling I won't live to see 40 and if this keeps up, on April 29th 2020, I plan to be done with it. Like I said, I do not need to be tortured like this and I cannot stand no one willing to help me or being of any good help when I pay them (Or my insurance does, but the point is that the psychiatric help I saught didn't help and after Newtown I am afraid that I am going to get eyed in such a way that it just makes me feel worse)
I did everything right in my life and somehow I still fucked up and feel like shit. Now with no one left to talk to, I feel so depressed I want to end it, which was something I tried hard to help with when someone I knew was feeling like that when I was in high school. Heck if I could do everything over I could but I can't. I just wish there was someone out there who could help me and tell me how I felt was okay and didn't make me feel bad to talk to them whenever I had something bad eating at me, no matter how trivial it may be and prefrebly that I didn't have to pay to do it. I had to keep bumming money from my mom to try and get help. I can talk to her about many things but there are some I don't want to because I don't want to hurt her feelings. She's too good a woman and I feel bad I cannot ever hope to be able to help her when the time comes because in 30 years I will probablly with her pushing a shopping cart down the city streets hoping for some sympatheic person's quarter that wouldn't buy a tootsie roll then. (and that is if a civil war doesn't happen and blow me away in the first skirmish) I mean I live now in a state that would rebel and my family in one that is on the fence. The very idea I may have to shoot at them, my dad, my cousin and maybe my brother or mother depending on how desprate they are kills me and probablly would make me quit and go neutral and have both sides raid the piss out of me.
And this has been haunting me since 2008 and the world hit me square in the face:
When we were young the future was so bright
The old neighborhood was so alive
And every kid on the whole damn street
Was gonna make it big in every beat
Now the neighborhood's cracked and torn
The kids are grown up but their lives are worn
How can one little street
Swallow so many lives
Used to be
Still it's hard
Hard to see
The Kids Aren't Alright by the Offspring.
Well that is all for now, so if someone took the time to read this and cares enough to reply, thanks.
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